Eternal calmness of the chaotic mind.

So many people in this world, what’s my significance?? But why should I be significant? Why should anyone be significant? Why should I go through the mundane routine of life?? What will I attain out of it?? But am I here to attain anything?? If yes, what if I don’t attain it?? If I am not here to attain anything then why am I here??? But why do I need a reason to be here?? I am unique (just like everyone else). The question of comparison doesn’t even arise. Everyone to himself. I look around & see things. When I see things I feel things (I am a human after all), when I feel things I think about it (I am an intelligent human after all). So what if I do?? There are many things I have & a few that I don’t, I desire it … many situations I have been in & a few I haven’t, I regret it… many people I have known & a few I haven’t, I wish I had … many dreams have been fulfilled & a few haven’t, I dream about them. But what am I going to get out of all this? … Happiness?? But in order to be happy (genuinely-permanently- happy) all one needs is ‘nothing’. You don’t have to do something or not-do something to be happy. You are either happy or you are not. You just do things & at the end of it, if you get happiness...good...if you don’t...screw happiness. Who says you can’t be happy about sadness? What is so sad about being sad?? So happiness is not what I seek & sadness is not something I would enforce upon myself. Maybe, I desire just for the sake of desiring, I regret just because there is nothing else to regret, I wish just because I know it’s never going to become true, I dream because there is nothing else to be dreamt about.
Am I really the kind of person I think I am?? What kind of perception do people have about me? Do I really know what kind of impression I am leaving on people? I feel certain people have certain impressions of me. I say, I don’t care about impressions, but is that just a thought? Do I really don’t care? if I say I don’t care & I think that I don’t care, do I really truly , sincerely don’t care??. How is one to know if one is thinking “truly” or not??? Is the truthfulness of a thought based on the conscious of the thinker?? Is it based on the notion that a man can lie even in his prayers to HIM but not to himself?? Isn’t it possible that, what we think about ourselves is not “what is” but “what we wish is”?? Then doesn’t this mean that, what we are sincerely thinking is not the reality of the situation. What is my true ambition?? Money? Luxury? Happiness? Family? Success? Fame? When will I be able to say that THIS is the ambition of my life?? Maybe I will never know that this is what I really want till I have actually got it … after I achieve that ambition, what else, another ambition?? Till when can I go on like this?? A thought once thought can never be taken back. It’s plainly impossible not to think about something just because you don’t want to. But just thinking about it doesn’t also mean that you necessarily “want” it. How should I know the difference between real thoughts & fake thoughts? Who is to differentiate between the two?? Me?? It’s my thoughts so maybe it has to be me only. I may not have the right to control what I think but surely I have the right to act on it or not act on it. But do I??? On what basis do I decide that a certain thought is real and needs my attention? Am I not conditioned from various society & worldly conditioning to believe that some thoughts are good & some are bad?? So if that kind of thinking is the basis for my actions then what role am I playing? I am neither controlling the actions committed by myself & nor am I controlling the thoughts governing those actions.
Every question doesn’t have an answer. Every action doesn’t have a purpose. Every situation doesn’t have a reason. Happiness, sadness, desire, ambition, a purpose, a reason, a regret.. all these feelings are purely ‘a thought’. A thought starts as a thought & ends as a thought. Neither is the thought immortal, nor are we. A thought is there to be thought about & a feeling is to be felt. Nothing is good & nothing is bad, because good & bad are again just “thoughts”. You can think in any which way you like & feel however you want & yet do whatever it is that has to be done, coz all that matters is what you DO & not what you FEEL, coz all that matters is WHO YOU ARE & not WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

I will never cease to think, but whenever I think, I will do so with the complete knowledge that “I am thinking”. This is the “Eternal calmness of the chaotic mind”. This is not just a thought; this is also the meaning of my last name – Nidhanee.